Always on my mind
by cyndaquinn
Summary: Finn watches Quinn go through her pregnancy from afar.


"I'm pregnant"

It's weird how simple words like that could change your life. Whenever Finn thought about someone saying something that would mess up everything, the person was a doctor saying something like arthroscopy or any complicated word like that.

But there he was. With Quinn, his girlfriend, sobbing in front of him and all he could do was to ask if it was his. He felt dumb asking it. He felt like an asshole for, even for a second, doubting that it wasn't his baby Quinn was carrying.

For some weird reason, Finn felt younger than ever, like a kid who wanted to run to their mother because they'd fallen on the playground. But that wasn't a playground. That was for real and he couldn't run to his mother.

He knew he had to man up. Be the guy Quinn always wanted him to be and be there for the girl he loved. But at some point, that was so unfair. To both of them! How could they do that? Go through a pregnancy, take care of a baby? Just last week he'd gotten a new Mario game.

* * *

The days passed and the fear Finn had of the whole situation didn't seem too big anymore. It was there. And there were nights Finn couldn't sleep at all, thinking not about him or the baby. All he could think was Quinn. He noticed how much she'd changed since the day she told him she was pregnant. She seemed more fragile. It felt horrible to see her like that, and Finn wanted nothing more than to hold her, protect her and never let her go. For anyone else, though, she was just the same old Quinn Fabray, the Head Cheerio, McKinley's most beautiful and popular girl. Maybe Finn was lucky to know her enough to know that it was just her old barrier, protecting from the outside that, for her too, seemed a lot scarier now.

* * *

The weeks they lived together were the best, even though he new Quinn wasn't enjoying as much as him. Or at all. Finn's favorite pastime was to watch his girlfriend. He tried not to stare, but every time the blonde girl stopped in front of a mirror, he had to stop anything he was doing –and that included video-games- to watch her watch herself. Once or twice he noticed her lifting her shirt, just a few inches, to watch her belly, like she wasn't supposed to. Like it was wrong. Finn wandered how Quinn took showers like that.

For a while everything was a nice. Finn had his job, even though it sucked, and Quinn seemed happy. He noticed she didn't like it because every time she smiled, even if for just one second, she looked down and closed her eyes. Finn did the same, at little disappointed at her, not because she was smiling, but because she didn't allow herself to. He loved her smiles. He missed them.

* * *

Finn didn't think he would have a day worse than when he found he wasn't the father of Quinn's baby. Nothing could be worst than that humiliation, right? At least that was what he thought until the day she stopped by to pick up her stuff. Finn was mad. He was annoyed. He was shaking. Once again all he wanted to do was to run to his mother's arms. Everything was in vain. It wasn't his baby Quinn dared to look at every once in a while. It wasn't his baby that he imagined taking care of, every night, no matter how many times Quinn said she wouldn't keep the baby. He laughed when he thought about his old blanket, the one his father gave to him and he wanted to his kid. He wanted it back so he could stop crying.  
Finn heard his ex-girlfriends footsteps and he knew she was about to leave. She wanted to say something to him, or she would already be gone. Or that was what Finn figured. It was funny, sometimes he felt like he knew Quinn better than anyone else and sometimes he felt like he knew nothing about her. Maybe both of them were true. Finn didn't dare to look at her face. He didn't dare because he knew that he would end up apologizing, asking her to stay, saying that he loved her more than anything in the world, that he loved her more than she felt hurt for what she did…

But he couldn't. Something inside him didn't let him look at the girl, waiting on his side to tell whatever she wanted to. He was even more afraid of looking at Quinn than he was when he found out she was pregnant. Back then they were in love, they were together, they had everything and waiting for a baby. Now Finn had nothing. He had nothing and still wasn't able to turn his head. It could hurt too much.  
Finn's jaw tightened when he felt Quinn's hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry" the girl whispered before leaving. Finn just looked down and closed his eyes.

* * *

Something inside Finn told him it was wrong to move on. It was like he was cheating on Quinn, or cheating on the baby. But he knew he had to try. He found that out on the moment he walked inside the glee club and found Quinn and Puck sitting together. 'Why is Puck with his hand on her stomach?' was his first, jealous, thought. 'Oh. Right' he quickly remembered and walked as far as he could from the couple. Were they a couple? He didn't know. And he wouldn't ask.

Whenever he was with Rachel, Finn ended up comparing her with Quinn. He didn't want to, but he couldn't not do it. What was that world? Inevitable? Quinn used to say that world when he asked why they were together. "It's inevitable, Finn. I'm the Head Cheerleader and you're the Quarterback. We belong together" He never really bought that. Finn knew it was something much more meaningful that held them together for so long. Though, looking back now, he could've been wrong. It wasn't Quinn who was sitting in front of him on that date, it was Rachel, and there wasn't bacon on her food, and she wasn't talking about Cheerios or prom, and she didn't had that smile. The smiled Finn loved, and now missed more than ever. Everything just felt so wrong.

* * *

In a way Finn was happy the football season was over. Since he became the starter Quarterback, the only thing that made him step on the field was the fact that he knew that anytime he looked to the sideline, Quinn would be there, smiling at him. Now he didn't know what to do and he'd never felt so lost. It was like all the meaning of his life disappeared with Quinn's smile.

Sometimes Finn found himself watching Puck, walking with Quinn, hugging her, eventually he kissed the top of her head, like he used to do. She smiled at him. Finn was jealous, yeah, but he couldn't be mad at his friend. He was taking care of Quinn in a way Finn knew he wasn't able to. Maybe she was better off that way, you know? With someone who didn't dream about teaching his soon how to throw a football. Or spoiling his daughter as much as possible. Someone who wouldn't imagine cuddling with Quinn close to a fireplace, as their kid was placing with their toy on the ground. How silly was he? To think he could ever build a family with the girl he loved?

* * *

Music kept him busy. Whether he was playing the drums or just singing, it helped to take his mind of things. Like why Puck was on that Run Joey Run thing with Rachel when he was supposed to be taking care of Quinn's baby? Most of these days when like this, now. He would go home after school and listen to his favorite songs, till the day he could be more or less used to everything that was happening. Some days he got lucky, like the day Puck hadn't gone to school, Rachel was busy with Jesse, everyone else were too busy with their own problems, and Finn could not-so-absently, sat next to Quinn and pretended the past few months didn't exist. It didn't work out all the time, though. There was this day when everything went ok. Sometimes the wrong songs went on the shuffle and would broke down again.

Finn tried to look strong, he really did. After being with Quinn for so long, he kind of learned how to pretend to be okay, when everything was falling apart. He guessed he just wasn't as good actor as he ex-girlfriend was, though. He got tired to tell his friends he was alright, anytime Quinn walked down the hall with Puck. At least now he had the balls to look at her. Not at the eyes, though, but at her lips. He always stared at her lips. Maybe he would be lucky enough to see her smiling again, and telling Karofsky he was okay wouldn't be a lie.

* * *

Sometimes Finn got hopeful. Like the time he saw Puck with Mercedes. He grinned like a full the whole day, as if the possibility of Quinn being single –she wasn't before, was she? He never asked- could make everything better. Finn knew it couldn't, though. Nothing changed the fact that the baby growing inside Quinn was Puck's, and she cheated on him. But it was nice to forget about that every once in a while.

Quinn looked beautiful. Finn knew that wasn't exactly news, but she did. In a different way than she used to, though. She wasn't hot like she used to be, but Finn figured she was closed to giving birth, so her baby bump was huge. He didn't want to say she was fat. He almost lost an eye because of that when they started going out. But even if she was, Quinn was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. Maybe that pregnancy glow he heard about on the movies was true. He wanted to tell her that, but he didn't know how.

* * *

Finn felt his heart going crazy when he and the rest of the Glee Club rushed to the hospital after performing at Regionals. His breath was coming out as pants and he was pacing side to side. He wanted to be there. He wanted to be next to Quinn, holding her hand like he promised he would. But he couldn't. Finn didn't care about the cheating, or the father of Quinn's daughter anymore. He wanted her to be okay. Both of them, actually. He wanted to be able to see Quinn smiling again. Smiling at her daughter. If he was lucky, smiling at him.  
Finn was the first one to go see Beth after they told everyone that everything was alright. Well, the first after Puck, at least. They exchanged awkward smiles when they walked passed each other on Finn's way to see the girl that was supposed to be his. Puck was a nice guy, if you for get that he got his girlfriend pregnant, but Finn was glad he didn't get to raise her. One less thing to be jealous of. Finn was about to turn back and go home, after finding Quinn watching Beth too, but she didn't let him. "Stay" her tone was the same as the day she left his place. It was hard for him to say anything.  
Finn sighed and walked over the girl, standing awkwardly next to her. "How are you?" He asked, not really sure what to say as he looked only at the babies in front of him, trying to find Beth. Quinn chuckled. "About 10 pounds lighter and much less moody" Finn laughed with her, still moving his eyes "She's the on-" Quinn tried to show Beth, but Finn didn't let her. "Yeah, I found her" He said smiling at the one closest to him. "She has your smile"


End file.
